


May 25th

by ayatos



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Light Angst, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-11-02
Packaged: 2018-08-18 21:40:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8177045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayatos/pseuds/ayatos
Summary: pretty girls were meant for love and boyfriends a plenty, but hinami didn’t care for that. however all those around her did and so she decided to take matters into her own hand and fake date her way out of her problem. little did she know fake dating was far harder than she thought it would be





	1. October 15th

Once Hinami Fueguchi had been told she would be a lovely women.

Once Hinami Fueguchi had been asked why she wouldn’t hold that boy at the dances hand.

Once Hinami Fueguchi had been lectured on the dangers of boys.

Once Hinami Fueguchi had been questioned why she was not in a relationship.

And not once did Hinami Fueguchi care.

Till she was eighteen and finding these thoughts suffocating. Of course she was happy and in love with herself but according to society she was not truly happy till she found a man. And she was growing far too weary of all the backhanded compliments—

_“you’re too pretty to be still single.”_

_“what’s a lovely girl like you doing without a man?”_

_“single? you? no way!”_ —

and she was growing far too weary of thinking something was wrong with her each time someone tossed these words at her.

So needless to say she had developed a plan.

(smart girls always had a plan for things.)

In theory her plan was simple. In practice her plan was complex.

Hinami Fueguchi was tired of being told she needed so love so she was going to fabricate her own to distract the world and keep them from questioning her.

 

—

 

Bad ideas are for late nights in cars with wild boys and tipsy girls. They were not meant for midday bedroom conversations. Sugar cookies are something she should be concocting in her room, not these kind of plans. However:

“Ayato...please.”

“Hinami, that is such a bad idea.” He returns. Ayato was lazily sprawled on her bed, disrupting her neatly made bed much to her dismay. He had one of her readers digest magazines open but he was just doodling in it, again to her dismay.

Ayato had a habit of truly and effortlessly making himself at home in her bed. And that meant disrupting the neat order of all her blankets just for the sake of it. Next he’d mess up the order of books on her nightstand just to take a look at a few random pages. His favorite thing to do was to toy around with her makeup, which left her missing certain aspects the next morning.

He was a tornado of a boy.

“Why?” She huffs out in a breathy manner. She was leaning against her nightstand with arms crossed in a haughty manner.

“Because not only would my sister murder me but who would believe you’d actually want to date me?” Ayato, for once in his life, was making logical sense. The tip of balance between them made her dizzy; as usually she was the logical one. But now it was her making the grandiose plans and Ayato telling her to come back to earth.

She looks at him now and thinks he is handsome. She always thought he was, in a gothic way, all sharp angles and dark features. So why would someone think she couldn’t be attracted to a boy with a face like his? So, “and why is that?”

“Are...Hinami people question us just being friends.” Ayato’s lazy tone was slowly becoming more serious the longer they droned on about the conversation.

“No they don’t!” She argues, devil’s advocate. Ayato’s laugh comes in a sputtering manner and it makes her lips crack into a smile as well. “People, just...they just don’t expect it.”

“Yeah you’re sure as hell right about that.”

“But why does their opinions have to affect this? It’s not like it’s real.” Her pout is heavy.

He laughs now, really laughs at her. She hates when he does this. Every single time she tries to moderately get upset with him he just cracks her resolve with that infectious laughter.

(that laughter that hardly anyone saw).

 She prepares to launch herself into a weighty and purposeful argument full of ways to persuade him into her plan, but:

 “fine.”

 Surprise and a bit of gratefulness coat her tone: “wait, really?”

 “Yeah, I’ll be your fake boyfriend.” He shrugs casually, “it could be fun after all.”

 “Fun?” She echoes, her tone far more questioning than his. “Just a second ago you were against it.”

 “I wasn’t against it, just wanted to make sure you were for it. Plus come on, it would be great to be fake dating.”

 “How?”

 “It’s like a play or something, plus imagine the looks of our friends when they find out.” His smirk is downright devilish and she sees why people would question them as a couple in that smirk. “Besides I always wanted to be an actor.”

 An eyeroll. A laugh. A smile.

 “Hush.”

 “Why’d you want to do it anyway?” He was now rolling aimlessly across her bed disheveling the sheets. “It’s not like you’re ugly or anything, you could find a boy easy peasy.”

 She shrugs. He notices. She looks away. He questions.

 “I just, well I’m tired.” Is all she can manage, odd that for an avid reader she found words falling her when she needed them the most.

 “Tired of what?”

 “People asking why I’m not dating someone.” It was a petty and childish thing to complain about. But complain she did.

 “Hina-”

 “Don’t tell me there’s worse things to complain about.”

 “I was going to say you don’t need to date someone to be happy. Besides I never date and I’m perfectly fucking happy”

 “I...I know.” Her words are soft, almost a whisper. Ayato sighs loudly and pulls her onto her bed so his arm is around her.

 “You’re such a princess for fuck sake.” He taunts. But something lingers in his voice, something she can’t quite grasp, something almost gentle. She shifts the thought to the back of her head for now though.

 “Maybe I am.” She giggles. He had an odd habit of finding some way to crack her melancholy, she supposes that’s why she keeps him around despite his jackass disposition.

 “So, babe, no that sounds weird...sweetie pie? Honey bear? Boo boo child?” Ayato feigns like he is in thought on which atrociously cliche nickname he was going to use for her. Hinami’s ears might bleed if he continues.

 “Stop...right there.”

 “Wait, candy panda?”

 “No.”

 “Sugar baby?”

 “I think that has a different meaning.”

 Hinami lets Ayato trail on for about ten minutes before she can no longer handle any of it.

 “Now we need like a plan.”

 “A plan?”

 “Yeah, like how long have we been dating and so forth.” He nods in response. Odd that she was being so literal about it all. If she were to be honest she didn’t think she’d get this far or she’d already have written up this map for their pseudo-love.

 Hinami leans to grab a notebook from the mess on nightstand, all thanks to Ayato, and pulls it toward her. She than fiddles for a pen in the draw of her nightstand.

 “Okay…” —

 

  1. Hinami and Ayato started dating today, October 15th. However they had been talking for a month.
  2. Both mutually liked each other for a long time.
  3. Ayato is always kind to Hinami (wait always????)
  4. Hinami will sometimes go to parties with Ayato (only sometimes????)
  5. Ayato will pick Hinami up from school and bring her to school
  6. Neither is allowed to really fall in love



 

Hinami Fueguchi Ayato Kirishima

 

—

“now, we have a plan.”

 “Why did you add that we aren’t allowed to really fall in love?” He questions.

 “Because, that would ruin all of this.” Hinami says quite simply. After all they were just friends so why would they ever want to really fall in love with each other?

 


	2. October 17th

“You’re dating Ayato?” Eto gawks, she had a habit of making a bigger deal out of all the news Hinami brought her. Though to her merit this was something for her to gawk about. And Eto was full blown gawking: eyes wide, mouth agape, fingers for once, still.

“Mhm.” Hinami returns. Though she sips her coffee to keep from having to expand right that second. She wasn’t as good a liar on spot as Ayato. “We’ve been close friends for as long as I can remember, so it only seems natural.”

“That trope is lame.”

A cough. A sputter. A slight choke.

“Trope?”

“Best friends to lovers, I think it’s cliche.” Eto’s fingers began toying with her pen in a fancy swirling kind of way. “I do like the bad guy and good girl trope though.”

“Eto, we’re not a story.”

“You could be.”

“No.”

“Fine, fine.” She brushes away the subject in one quick stroke. “So, how is he then?”

“What do you mean?” She sips her coffee once more.

“In bed you know.”

This time Hinami really does choke on her coffee. It actually takes her a few good coughs before she is able to calm down enough to formulate some kind of coherent response.

(Is “??????” a coherent thought?)

“W-What, we just started dating Eto.”

“Okay, and?”

“We haven’t gotten that far!” In reality they were never going to get that far. She’d have to figure out when in their ‘relationship’ it’d be acceptable to tell people that they had slept together, and what to say about it if curious people kept going; like Eto would. She’d ask Ayato later today.

“You know he isn’t a virgin.”

“I was his friend first you know, I know very well he isn’t.” Though if she were honest her and Ayato didn’t much talk about sex. Or frankly they didn’t talk much of Ayato’s bad habits. He said he didn’t want to annoy her with his stories and so they never talked about parties or girls or drugs. Not that she didn’t mind, she liked having a version of Ayato all to herself—one to keep quiet in her ribcage for just her heart.

“Whatever Hina, you’re going to have to buckle down and become a part of his world at some point.” Eto shrugs. Eto was apart of that world. Though one wouldn’t guess that from looking at her disheveled hair, crooked glasses, and often large sweaters. She looked like a librarian not a party girl. Hinami supposes that’s why they’re friends. Eto can be a reader and a writer and a friend around Hinami but she also could party if she wanted to.

“Not necessarily.” She mumbles. Eto had taken interest in the journal she was lazily writing in earlier. Hinami lets herself take a break from the conversation as well. She sips slowly on her coffee and tries to think of what she might even wear to a party. Ayato usually just wore jeans and a t-shirt but was attire different for girls? She made a mental note to ask him later so she didn’t look like an black sheep at any future parties.

“Are you going to even go to parties with him?” Eto asks bringing the conversation back into light.

Hinami gives a half hearted shrug. Their contract said she would sometimes go so she can’t say she won’t.

One summer night—the muggy and humid kind of night—Ayato had gone to a party and gotten so trashed that instead of going home he went to Hinami’s. He nearly passed out at the door when knocking and she ended up having to carry him to her room. He crawled in right next to her and sloppily asked her to tell him a story. She had. Ayato had fallen asleep about a quarter of the way into story, his head tilted onto her shoulder and his hand on her lap. She let him stay like that all night. Though the next morning both woke up with serious body aches.

Sometimes she thinks of that night.

Sometimes she thinks maybe that was something special between them.

Sometimes she thinks she could love him.

However that was not how she felt about him all the time so she wouldn’t risk damaging their friendship because one night two years ago she thought that maybe her heart was beating a new way.

“I’ll try it, not guaranteeing I’ll have fun.”

“You might like it, you’re a friendly person Hina.” Eto gives her the same shrug she had given her earlier. Hinami thinks Eto is done teasing her about Ayato’s habits but: “ever smoked weed Hina?”

“No.”

“Ayato does.”

“I know, you act like we weren’t friends for years before this.” Hinami tries to add some snark to her reply but her voice was too light for that so she just sounded childish.

“Are you going to smoke with him?”

Hinami’s first thought is to say yes, of course she will he is her boyfriend. Then she thinks she might say no because she didn’t really want to. In the end she settles with a “maybe”.

“It’s fun.”

“I’ve heard.” Hinami brushes off her hinting. She had heard Ayato talk a lot about it, mostly when he first started smoking years ago. He went through a horrendous phase where he thought smoking weed was the coolest thing to ever grace earth. He would brag and brag and even wear those stupid weed shirts you’d buy at a cheap store in the mall.

Luckily he had calmed down and hardly ever mentioned his smoking habits. He didn’t even own any of the shirts, or at least she thought he didn’t anymore.

“Okay, enough about fuckboy.” Eto says with a gaudy flourish of her pen. Hinami thinks she has a flare for the dramatics. “I’m really trying to write this paper but I wanted you to proofread it.” Eto slides seven pages of scribbly notebook paper across the table. Eto always wrote her first draft out, she said it made her feel more connected to whatever piece she was working on.

“You know you’re a great writer Eto.” Hinami says though she begins to glance at the pages. Eto was a sophomore at the college Hinami went to and she was taking so many advanced literature classes that sometimes even Hinami’s head spun.

Eto hums some tune while Hinami reads. Hinami liked being Eto’s friend because she had finally found someone, besides Kaneki, who truly understood her love for writing and reading. Eto was also, for lack of a better term, a bad bitch and Hinami liked saying she hung out with her. Everyone knew about Eto and Hinami liked being the cheerleader to Eto’s infamousy. It was like she was getting the thrill of the danger without any of the actual danger.

Now that Hinami thinks of it she is surrounded by people with bad habits, Ayato her ‘boyfriend’ and Eto her best friend. What an odd thing fate was she thinks.

“So?” Eto pries after Hinami had been silent for around ten minutes. Eto didn’t need her to harshly examine the entire paper, she just needed someone to gloss it over and tell her it was enough to turn the first draft into a second.

“It’s very good, if you want I could take it home and revise some of it.” Hinami suggested.

Eto pauses and considers this for a moment. Hinami knew Eto was very wary of letting people hold her work, even just school papers, so she didn’t really expect her to want to leave her paper with Hinami for a night.

“Sure, you’re a good reader and writer yourself so why not let you do some revising and annotating on it for me.” Eto smirked widely. “I wanna make a good impression on this professor since someone said he hooked up his best students with really good internships. This is going to be the first paper I’m handing in for his class.”

Hinami nods. She had known Eto for two years and she had never read anything of Eto’s that was bad. Typically she’d just have small grammar mistakes or need to reword some things but her writing was always a favorite of Hinami’s. She thinks that’s part of the reason she always offers to annotate Eto’s work because she hopes maybe some of her skills will rub off on her.

A waiter comes by to offer more coffee but Eto just asks for a bill instead. Hinami pipes in to ask for her to split the bill but Eto brushes her comment aside. After the waiter has left Eto gives her a small smile, “let me pay this for you since you’re helping me with my paper.” Then her smile widens, “and for good luck on your relationship with Ayato.”

Hinami wants to think the gesture is sweet but she knows Eto is a girl of twisted intentions and so nothing she does is just out of her own good heart. Hinami didn’t mind Eto’s scheming most of the time but when it came to her own life she prayed Eto just stayed out for once.

“Well then Hina, I will see you tomorrow so you can give back that paper?”

“Sure, same spot or do you want to come over?”

“How about you come to my place.” Eto suggests. “Maybe bring Ayato?”

Hinami nods but she has a feeling bringing Ayato is the last thing she wants to do with Eto around.


	3. October 17th

Hinami finds herself spinning lazily in her computer chair waiting for Ayato. He had said he’d be right over after his last class: _“it’s at three, but I’ll be over around four.”._ However it was now five and no Ayato to be found in her room. She considers calling him then decides not to, then decides to text him. Yeah, she thinks, that’s not that pushy, just a gentle reminder.

Hina [5:01pm]: hey, where are you?

Now she waits.

Luckily he is quick to reply.

Ayato [5:04pm]: sorry, professor wanted me to stay after for something fucking dumb. be there soon.

Hina [5:05pm]: oh, okay! dont worry bout it.

Much to her dismay Ayato’s soon turns out to be nearly thirty minutes. She suspects he might not really have been staying after with his teacher. But she won’t bring it up, the subject seemed too fragile for this moment.

“Took you long enough.” She comments when he finally bursts into her room nearly out of breath.

“S-Sorry, jesus fuck. He had me after for like so damn long then I didn’t want to be even later here so I fucking booked it here and now I’m out of breath.” Hinami thinks Ayato just used one single breath for that sentence he spoke so fast.

“Well, you certainly seem out of breath.” She notes. Ayato follows up her statement with a loud and expressive show of his exhaustion by falling hard onto her bed and, once again, making a mess of it.

“Damn, your bed is so comfy.” Ayato says in a slow drawling kind of way. He shifts a bit to get himself into a comfortable position. Once settled he looks over at Hinami who had been patiently waiting to delve into her thoughts.

“I know, you take it up every time you’re over.” She says with a hint of attitude in her tone, though she’d never actually be mad at him for something like this.

Ayato interrupts her train of thought: “you wanted to talk about something right?”

She nods. Her posture strikes Ayato as something a teacher would do. Hinami takes a soft breath before:

“we need to discuss the timeline of this relationship.”

“The what?”

“Timeline, events and milestones of our relationship.”

“Why the fuck would we do that?” He says, his body now stirring from his previous lounging position.

“Because someone is gonna ask one of us if we've like you know or what not.” She mumbles quickly. Ayato returns with a laugh and then:

“You know? What you talking about Hinami?” Though he damn well knew what she meant.

“Like, well they're gonna ask us when our first kiss was.” Ayato laughs again. “And when we started getting more intimate.” More laughter (“is that all Hina?”). “Eto asked me when we were gonna have sex okay?” She blurts out, face heated like a sunburn.

“I knew what you meant.” He laughs.

Hinami pouts—a feature that didn't suit her—and then crosses her arms and huffs. “If you knew what I meant why'd you tease me?”

Ayato, who was now looking through one of her books, smiles. “It's funny to watch you struggle.”

She pauses and gives him a look a parent would give a child, he shrugs and flashes a surrender sign; push and pull, the dynamic of their relationship.

“Okay, okay serious time.” He gives in. Hinami pulls out a small calendar and Ayato raises an eyebrow: “you really need that?”

“I want this to be realistic.”

“Are real relationships this complicated.”

“I wouldn’t know.” Hinami mumbles. Ayato bites at the inside of his lip as he looks at her, he had known this fragile girl his entire life and yet he finds himself failing in knowing simple things about her; like that she had never had a boyfriend.  

“Not even one? Like a simple kindergarten relationship?”

She shakes her head causing caramel locks to sway and frame her face, she looked oddly enticing to him and he shoves that thought down deep. Not that he’d deny she was pretty, he’d deny finding attraction to her.

“Have you ever even kissed a boy?”

“No.”

“Hina, jesus fuck.” Ayato sits up now, his face so close to hers. “How can we pretend to date if you’ve never had any experience with any of it.”

“You’re supposed to teach me.”

“Teach you?” He echoes. She nods and avoids his gaze, odd for her.

“Mhm.” She sounds as if she wants to say more, but she seals whatever secret was about to cross her lips.

“Well, kissing isn’t that hard.” Ayato says simply. Her head perks up now and he notices blush dancing across her cheeks. “What?”

“You want us to kiss?” Hinami says. Ayato watches the way she looks like a mix of nervous and excited, and something in that ignites something in him.

“I mean, you need to know what I kiss like right?”

“I...uh...well…”

“It’ll be a quick kiss, don’t worry.”

“Don’t worry?”

“Don’t worry.” He repeats. Hinami finds some trust in those two words. Funny how he can wash away her anxiety so easily. He adjusts himself so he’s sitting on the edge of the bed. Hinami was so small standing that he could still easily reach her lips while he was seated.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Kiss me, just quickly.”

“Okay, well lean in.”

She does.

“Close your eyes.”

She does.

“Part your lips.”

She does.

“Now, hold still.”

She does.

And then he’s kissing her. It’s so odd and so familiar all in one motion. He barely holds their lips together for a second but in that fraction of time Ayato finds something he wants to explore. But curiosity is a dangerous thing and so:

“how was that?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” He repeats with a laugh. Her lips turn into a smile, and a smile into a laugh.

"Yeah, I just”—laughter breaks up her words—“I don’t know it was so short.”

“Well that’s all you’re getting.”

Hinami nods and then begins to write in a little notebook: _first kiss, surprising._ Ayato watches her hand move as she writes and he sighs, she was such an odd girl he thinks.

“Are we done having this odd conversation?” Ayato questions. At this point he gone back to sprawling across her bed. She stands over him and gives him a look before walking over to place her notebook back on her desk.

“Hm, I just don’t want to be caught in a lie.” She mumbles. Ayato sits up now to face her.

“People don’t care as much as you think about the little things in relationships.”

“They should, everyone should care just a little extra.”

 

\--

 

Hinami sits curled into a ball with Eto’s paper in one hand and a cup of tea in the other. Ayato had left hours ago leaving Hinami time to do her nightly relaxation routine--a warm shower to rinse off, a warm tub with candles lacing around the ring of the tub, and a cup of tea.

Now, barely ten o’clock, she was all set to begin critiquing Eto’s essay. For something that seemed to others a tedious task Hinami found fun. Someone once told her she should be a teacher, since she found joy in the menial tasks.

Eto’s writing was an odd wonder of direct phrases and flowing, articulate imagery. Hinami wishes she knew how Eto balances the proper factual style with her own flowy prose. Hinami hates writing papers because her voice feels silenced; yet Eto’s paper screams with everything she has and for that, Hinami is jealous of her.

Hinami feels something underneath her vibrate and for a moment she almost freaks out till she remembers her phone fell beneath her earlier.

Eto [9:06 pm]: have you started that paper??!!!

Hina [9:07 pm]: yea, it’s really good.

Eto [9:07 pm]: I’m going to a book signing tomorrow, want to come?

Hina [9:09 pm]: sure, what time?

Eto [9:10pm]: 5 pm, and bring Ayato. He is your boyfriend after all

Eto [9:11pm]: I know he won’t like it but that’s what being a boyfriend is

Hina [9:15pm]: okayy, fine.

Hinami then opens a new message and:

Hina [9:16pm]: come to a book signing with me tomorrow

Ayato [9:20pm]: buy me weed if you expect me to sit through that.

Hina [9:20pm]: no.

Hina [9:20 pm]: and you’re still going.

Ayato [9:21pm]: fine fine


	4. October 18th

About an hour before the book signing Hinami starts to get ready, and Hinami has a routine she follows. She gets ready without fail every time she goes anywhere. It starts with a shower. Shaving and lotioning followed shortly after. Than she dries her hair enough so it isn’t damp. Then she gets dressed into an outfit pre-picked out before the shower. Once completely dry and dressed she applies a little make-up.

It was calming to her, to have a routine. She felt titled when she didn’t have time to get ready before anything.

Her mother always had a routine. Hinami assumed it was to deal with all the struggling they went through, but she never commented. And like mother like daughter Hinami also began to keep a systematic routine.

Her clock reads 4:45pm once she finally sits down after getting ready. The signing was at 5:00 and Ayato should’ve been here almost twenty minutes ago. She thinks of calling him but then decides to let him remember on his own. If he forgets or doesn’t show up then that’s his issue.

With one last look at her clock and her phone for messages from him she heads out.

 

\--

 

The bookstore was a 5 minute walk from her apartment building. A small line has formed on the outside and she spots Eto standing there with a book in hand and a notebook in the other, probably to tell the author all her thoughts.

“Hina-chan!” Eto waves her over. Hinami crosses the street and stands in line next to Eto. “Where’s Ayato?” She asks with a pout on her face. Hinami tugs gingerly at her lip and looks around. She then checks her phone and there’s no message. She just shrugs.

“I guess he can’t make it.” Hinami glances over her shoulder in vain. She sees a few people crossing the street but none the boy she was after.

“Oh Hina, what a dumb boy.” Eto says placing a hand on her shoulder. “Did he even text you?”

“No. But it’s okay, I asked him out of the blue.”

“But should he really ditch you without any warning?”

“It’s okay.”

“Hina, Hina. Don’t let boys ruin your mood.” Eto says with a dramatic flush of her hair.

“I won’t.”

“You always have me.”

“Thank you Eto.”

The door to the store opens and Hinami follows the queue of people inside. The store was quaint, as to be expected of a book store. A young female author sits at a table with a tower of her own work built up around her like she was the queen of some castle. Hinami thinks for a moment that she wants that, to be surrounded by your own work and to have people lining up to ask you about something you created. Her heart swells in this moment and she truly wished Ayato was here for it.

Eto jitters in line next to her. Hinami thinks it might be all the coffee she drinks.

But the closer they get the more refined Eto gets, as if she’s maturing step by step from a little kid to an adult in front of Hinami’s eyes. Hinami can’t tell how Eto manages to be childish and more mature than her all at once. She was a paradox.

The line finally comes to their turn. The author is a pretty girl and her eyes are warm golden brown, with a few creases; you know, the smile lines. Hinami thinks she’s lovely. Eto rambles for a good ten minutes on her thoughts about the author. Hinami just stands and listens as they talk. Though her thoughts beging to  wander to Ayato, how come he hadn’t shown? Ayato has done this very few times to her, not showing up without warning or say but she assumed today would be different.

Ayato may have a myriad of issues and troubles but he’s never outright left her like this. In the past, okay, but now? She wonders what has him so tied that he can’t even send a message saying he won’t make it.

What is he doing that’s so important he has to miss this?

“Thank you again.” Eto says before gathering all her books. Hinami hadn’t realized how long her mind had been drifting. She shakes her head and feels her hair tumbling around her. Eto gives her a smile and gestures for her to follow her toward a small cafe section of the book store.

“How about some coffee?”

“Sure.”

Both order simple lattes and find a seat in the corner of the place. Eto sprawls the books she has signed out along the table. Hinami notes the amount of annotations Eto had taken in just these three books. She was a dedicated fan.

“You really like this author huh?”

“She’s such an influential female writer, I want to learn from her.” Eto says.

“You’re a great writer already though.” Hinami says. Eto giggles and takes a sip of her latte, foam collecting on the top her lip. She wipes it off quickly though before she speaks:

“I can only get better if I open myself up to inspiration.”

“I never thought of it that way.”

“Always keep an open mind Hina, that’s what makes one a good writer.”

A shrug: “I don’t even want to write really”—she sips her latte before continuing—“I just like reading.”

“Well, if you’re ever asking for writer advice this is it.”

“Thanks Eto.”

Eto smiles, “anything for a friend.”

“Well today was still fun regardless.” Hinami confesses. She hadn’t actually had a chance to just go out with Eto in a long time. Hinami watches Eto sip her latte; she was so effortlessly gravitating, like her own star. Everything about her made you want to look, want to be looked at by her.

If she were being honest she’d say being with Eto made her feel powerful. Embarrassing and as cliche as it was Eto had such a radiating aura that Hinami felt powerful as well. She’d never tell her that though.

“So, how about another cup? I mean we do have time since Ayato isn’t here.” Eto suggests. She makes a point to show Hinami the completely empty cup. Hinami looks at her phone and still sees no message from him. Damn it Ayato, what are you doing?

“Yeah, sure.” She makes to grab money for another latte, but a hand stops her.

“On me.” Eto says. She doesn’t even leave Hinami a window to object because she was already halfway to the counter before Hinami could even utter one word.

 

\--

 

Earlier that day Ayato had woken to a wordy message from a certain sinister author.

Little Satan (Eto)[9:15am]: need you to do your job for me. oh, heard you and Hina are dating! lovely  but you tell her anything about where you are or what you’re doing and I’ll have to involve her.

Ayato [9:16am]: she wants me with her tomorrow though. do I have to?

Little Satan (Eto)[9:17am]: yes. no telling where you are. in fact, just don’t even tell her you can’t see her. it’s better this way.

Ayato [9:20am]: fine.

Little Satan (Eto)[9:21am]: and I’ll be with Hina tomorrow so make sure you really don’t say anything, because I’ll know 

Fuck. Ayato tosses his phone to the ground. His eyes roam the plethora of cracks in his ceiling. He thinks he’d like to disappear into one of them and just never come out. But he wasn’t small enough and cracks didn’t seem the best place to live.

So he gets up and he lives. It’s what he’s always done.

Though for once he’s aching about this task, he knows Hinami will hate him for missing that book thing but Eto was forever serious about her threats, however sweet they were, and so he grabs his coat and heads out the door without sending a single text to Hinami.

“Someone out there forgive me.” He says to the sky.

 


	5. October 24th

A mundane week has passed since the book signing. Ayato had explained to Hinami that he had some family troubles —

_ “it’s just, so much stuff with bills and Touka asked me to run errands for her. I’m so sorry.” _

_ "it’s okay, really Ayato.” _

_“you’re too nice Hina.”_ —

She trusts him though. Hinami had spent years relying on Ayato, though she’d never voice this thought. When they were little Hinami was picked on, not viciously or anything. But boys would tease her, a lot, and it only had gotten worse as she grew older. And the teasing grew more vulgar the older the boys got. Ayato had been by her side through it all though.

Once in first grade two second grade boys, ones in Ayato’s class, were picking on Hinami for reading. Of course teachers tell you boys who tease you like you, Hinami thought that was bullshit.

They had barely said maybe two sentences each to her before one boy was shoved into the other one knocking them both over like dominoes. She watches them crash to the ground. One boy groaned to himself while the other started to whimper. Ayato stands in front of them and just glares, he was a pretty intimidating seven year old.

“Fuck off scumbags.” Ayato said. A bandaid already on his nose from getting punched last week making him look even meaner. But as soon as he turns toward Hinami all the hatred washes away and he holds out a hand for her:

“come on Hina, let’s go.”

“Thank you Ayato.”

Hinami could tell countless stories like that, of Ayato saving her. He always seemed to be the one she relied on. So she trusts him, regardless of what he says because all their lives he’s never once done anything that made her doubt him or doubt how he felt about her.

They were best friends after all, and she honestly did love him. She checks her phone once more and sees a text from Ayato.

Ayato [2:34pm]: hanging out with Naki for a bit, but wanna do something after?

Ayato [2:35pm]: I mean I am your boyfriend after all

Hinami [2:36pm]: shut up, but yes. come over whenever you’re done.

Ayato [2:36pm]: okay.

 

\--

 

“To be honest,” Naki says holding the blunt in his hand “Hinami is kinda hot.”

“To be honest,” Ayato takes the blunt from him “you’re an idiot.”

“Come on dude, she’s like banging. Trust me, I got class with her and half the dudes wanna bone her.” Ayato finds himself slightly angry with this statement. Of course he wasn’t an idiot, he knew Hinami was pretty and he knew she had a nice body. But that didn’t mean he appreciated other boys noticing, especially boys like Naki and some of his friends; they were all hopeless dumbasses.

“You have a class with Hinami? Aren’t you like in all stupid classes?” Ayato wasn’t trying to be rude, per say, but he knew Naki was a few screws loose and Hinami took way too many unnecessarily hard classes.

“We have some dumb sociology class together, no idea why she took it though. It’s mostly kids like you and me in it.” He grabs the blunt back from Ayato and takes a hit. “Plus she doesn’t even talk to anyone, just sits and takes notes.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, it’s odd because she always gets hundreds and does all her work. No idea why she’s in a class with students like us.”

Ayato frowns. Hinami wouldn’t be taking some pointless class with kids like Naki in it. She didn’t waste time on things, she was too determined to be wasting time derailing herself with a class like that.

“I could’ve sworn she was in mostly English classes.” Ayato shrugs.

“So, have you slept with her yet?” Ayato chokes on the hit he was taking. He thinks back to Hinami’s dumb fucking planning and he swore if she were here in this moment he’d be hearing “ _ I told you so.” _ so many times. Or maybe the weed was just too good cause he swears he does hear her talking.

“No, we haven’t been dating that long.”

“So? You’ve fucked girls you just met at parties.” Naki takes a hit and blows the smoke toward the sky. He looks back at Ayato with a knowing look. Naki may have been an absolute idiot but he was Ayato’s best friend, and he sometimes caught on to things Ayato didn’t think he would.

“Hinami’s different, she’s a virgin dude.”

“Hinami?” His voice cracks and Ayato laughs at him. “Nah, wait I can see that.” Naki says now, his face all serious like, as if he just discovered how to do rocket science. “She may have a bombshell rack but that girl belongs in a library or something.” He takes another hit before passing the blunt back to Ayato. “Are you trying to fuck her?”

The question catches Ayato by surprise. He just expected to be asked when or if they’ve slept together, he never assumed someone would ask him if he wanted to. I mean, they were dating so why wouldn’t he want to sleep with her right?

“I guess.”

“You guess?” Naki laughs a little when he says that, which then leads to him coughing and Ayato laughing. As he finally catches his breath: “what do you mean you guess?”

Ayato gives him a shrug, he really didn’t know what he meant himself. He didn’t think he’d wanna fuck Hinami but ever since this fake dating thing started he began to notice subtle things about her; the way she dressed, her cute smile, the slight cleavage in all her shirts, her legs in all her skirts. But he didn’t linger on those thoughts so:

“I just don’t know, she’s been my friend for so long that it might take a bit before I ever get there.” He hits the blunt and finds he was talking to long and it went out. Naki scoffs and grabs it — _ “and you think I’m the idiot” _ —and then he relights.

Ayato watches the smoke trail over his head. Hinami would’ve been proud of how he answered that question. He’d have to tell her so she wouldn't think he was completely unreliable with these kind of things. Naki shoves Ayato’s arm and jostles him from his thoughts, though he knows at night he’ll still be wondering about her.

“You gonna hit this or?” The blunt dangling in his fingers. Ayato takes it from him— _ “of course, dumbass” _ —and takes a lengthy hit. The smoke curls from his lips and he just observes.

“So, why’d you even date her?” Naki asks next. “Like, I see she’s fuego but like when have you not dated a hoe?” Naki laughs loudly and obnoxiously, honestly, the only way he knew how. Ayato punches the side of his arm and almost knocks a giggling Naki over.

“She’s been my friend for years, it felt right.” He says with a simple shrug. Though he knew that those words held too much honesty. He wanders back to that day he just brushed their lips together; like the first snow of the season. Ayato tries to forget how she tasted a little bit like vanilla and how soft, oh so soft her lips were. He knew it was hormones, Hinami was a pretty girl, but that didn’t mean he liked her right? Wanting to kiss a girl and having feelings for one is different right?

“Yeah, but so haven’t I.” Naki points out. “Like why her?”

“Why do you wear dumb clothes?” Ayato retorts. Naki sticks his tongue out childishly at Ayato. But it changes the flow of their conversation. Ayato is thankful to not be questioned about Hinami anymore. He couldn’t act normal when he talked about her. He couldn’t laugh and discuss the gritty and nasty details of their relationship; he just couldn’t talk about her in the way he normally talked about girls to Naki.

He decides to send her a text and ask her to go out to dinner. His guilt still hung heavy for missing that book signing the other day. A dinner between friends isn’t odd right? Plus, he thinks, Hinami would love to say they had a first date.

Ayato [4:05pm]: wanna go out to dinner for like 5:30? still feel bad for fucking up last week

Hina [4:06pm]: it’s really okay, but yes. sounds lovely.

Ayato [4:08pm]: okay, I’ll pick you up for 5:15?

Hina [4:09pm]: okay!

“Ooooooh, is that her?” Naki says leaning a little too close for Ayato’s comfort.

“Get the fuck off me, dumbass. Don’t act like you don’t know who I’m texting.”

“Anything private.” He says this with what he must assume is a seductive tone, but he mostly sounds confused and a little high.

“I asked her to dinner, real provocative.”

“You’re boring Ayato.”

“Fuck off Naki.”


	6. October 24th

The evening rolls around and Hinami is starting to put the finishing touches on herself, a little bit more glitter and little less lipstick. Ayato had said the date was supposed to be at an actual fancy and expensive place — _ “trust me, I even planned reservations for this” _ — Hinami hadn’t bothered to ask how he was going to afford it, or why he eve n wanted to take her to a place like that. She also hadn’t bothered to ask what stirred him to even want to go on a date. I mean, couples went on dates, but she didn’t think Ayato really cared too much effort into this fake dating thing. 

However, she was grateful he was trying his part in this whole fake relationship thing. Since the start she had been hesitant of Ayato’s actual compliance but so far he’s been acting like a boyfriend. She begins to think about how many people already knew they were dating and what people were thinking.

Her thoughts are stalled by a door opening in and:

“Hina! I’m here.” Ayato shouts loudly into her small apartment. He bolsters in even louder than his original yell, which was to say, pretty loud.

Hinami walks toward the door and is shocked to find him there on time. She’s even more in awe at the fact that Ayato had taken to wear a decent button down shirt and a nice pair of pants. He looked, well he looked, almost as if, kinda like, she struggles to the find the words. She couldn’t stop staring at how nicely those pants fit his long legs, or how that shirt just hugged his muscles enough to know they were there. It’s just Ayato  —  I mean, he can look good without it meaning anything, she thinks. And thankfully he interrupts her thoughts:

“Smiling cause I’m dressed up?”

“No.” Hinami says with a quick shake of her head, “I’m amazed you’re here on time.”

A scoff: “Hinami, come on. I’m not always late.” His hands held up in surrender. Hinami weighs her moves and just lets him think he had the victory. She’d let him win over and over just because sometimes she didn’t think the argument was worth it.      

“Not always, but most of the time.”

“Not always is better than always.”

Ayato swings a pair of new looking keys. Hinami catches the gleam out of the corner of her eye and she wonders when his set of keys looked so minimalistic compared to his usual jumbled and clogged up lanyard. Maybe he cleaned up everything about himself for tonight.

“You look good by the way.” Ayato comments. Hinami glances over herself and just shrugs. Her eyes float back toward Ayato and she catches his stare for a moment too long, something dangerous seemed to linger when she caught his gaze —something the stars were were made of . She decides not to dwell on whatever it was that she thought she saw.

“Thank you, should we uh, get going then?”

“Right, time for our first date as a couple. Should we hold hands?” Ayato gives her that oh so lovely shit eating grin.

“We’re not actually dating moron.” She says with a touch of something more brutal. She’s not sure what stirred up the tone or if Ayato even notices the fraction of difference in her voice.

“Oh come on, let’s just pretend for one moment.” He insists, hand held out. “I mean we can’t always be so awkward when we have to do some pda in public right? What are you going to do when we go to a party together? Not hold my damn hand?”

Hinami stares at his hand and debates this. Hand holding wasn’t a big deal right? After all it wasn’t like they had never held hands before as kids. It was nothing; nothing like the time they kissed. Her heart oddly flutters, something she had never quite felt before; it was jittery sort of feeling —a feeling all to unfamiliar for her . It’s from drinking so much coffee, she reasons, caffeine has that effect on you.

She takes his hand and finds that her palm fits easily in his — how odd. His hands are calloused and worn-down, broken almost (she wonders if hands spoke more of a person than their words). But he holds her hand with such reverence she pauses in her thoughts for a moment to wonder if he was taking this a little too seriously.

“Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.”

Hinami leads Ayato outside. The night air is frigid on her skin and her teeth clatter for a moment or two. Though as soon as she starts to walk toward the sidewalk —they had taken to walking everywhere when Ayato’s car turned up stolen and set on fire, something he still to do this day won’t talk to her about—her body begins to warm. Barely two steps down the pavement a hand grips her upper arm, chills, not from the cold, race up her skin.

“What-”

“We’re not walking, I got an advance from work.”

“Work?”

“You know, that weekend job.”

“No.”

“Anyway,”—he changes the subject with an eager quickness, something Ayato was always good at, avoidance—“this is what I got.”

They walk toward her apartment’s parking lot and Ayato pulls out the set of keys he had been toying with earlier. He clicks the button that locates your care and in the middle of the small parking lot a dark colored BMW lights up. Hinami is taken aback by this. She momentarily looks around to see if anyone else was also trying to locate their car, and perhaps this was theirs.

Ayato makes his way toward the car and pauses when he notices she isn’t following. Hinami is still staring at the car trying to reason what kind of job considers a brand new car as an advance.

“Ayato, this is way more than an advance.” She says now.

“Don’t worry about it.” He grabs her small wrist and drags her toward the car. Hinami more or less stumbles after him, curse his long legs. When they reach the car she notes it’s a dark charcoal color, completely brand new. She catches her reflection in the side of the car, it was an odd sort of feeling, to be dressed so nicely and to be staring into the reflection of a BMW.

“Are you going to get in?” He asks her now. She jolts from her thoughts and pulls herself into the car. The inside was just as pleasing as the outside. It was one of those cars that had your jaw dropping in seconds. Hinami was hardly ever stunned by things like this, but to have Ayato driving her to a date in a car like this was something she couldn’t wrap her head around.

Ayato loves the look on her face, something in the way she was so impressed with something he did makes his heart tremble. Fuck. He was no idiot to how his heart was slowly working it’s way toward hers ever since this fake dating thing started. Something about that title had begun to make him notice her in some new light, some shiny fucking heaven bullshit light, something from her stories.  

“Is it nice?” He asks. Hinami just nods at looks over at him, something in the way he was expecting her to enjoy it made her heart tighten inside her chest. He did this just to make her happy.

She smiles and momentarily forgets that he bought this care on a shaky advance from a job he wouldn’t reveal. Ayato turns up the music on his phone and Hinami groans at his music choice. Mostly really aggressive screaming, mixed with awful ignorant rap, mixed with some really slow depressing music.

“Are we really listening to Asking Alexandria right now?”

“Yeah?”

“Seriously? I thought you stopped listening to them like three years ago.”

“They’re still good, you wound my soul when you tease my music taste.” He jokes with her. Hinami sighs and stares out the window. Ayato continues to sing loudly to his music despite her complaints. But when a text momentarily interrupts the song Ayato glances down. Hinami glances down and sees Eto’s name pop up on his phone. She doesn’t say anything though.

Ayato picks up the phone and checks to see what she had said, despite Hinami’s comment about safe driving, which doesn’t include texting while driving.

Little Satan (Eto) [5:43pm]: Hina enjoying the car?

Ayato just puts his phone down and doesn’t respond. Hinami wonders when his expression had been slightly soured. She thinks it's the text but now she won’t know, she easily could’ve read the text and maybe have a clue at the interworking of their relationship. But she didn’t. And she thinks she regrets it.

“So, when do I get aux cord?” Hinami asks to keep Ayato talking.

“When you won’t play girly music.”

“I don’t play girly music.” She defends.

“Halsey is totally girly. And so is Beyonce and Nicki Minaj. Oh you also listen to some really sad girly love songs.”

“Shut up, at least I don’t listen to emo music from like six years ago.”

“My music taste is flawless.”

However the grand music debate, one they’ve had time and time again, ends when they pull up toward a regal looking building. Hinami’s eyes barely take it all as they pull toward a valet. An actual valet for a dinner reservation?  

The place looked like some huge museum or something. But outside around back were little tables with candle lights illuminating the darkness. It was such an intimate and lovely place to go on a date. And Hinami held her breath that this was real. Ayato, actually trying to make her happy, he easily could’ve taken her to Applebees or Uno’s or even Papa Ginos, a place Ayato loved more than anything else, but they had come here.

“Ayato.” She’s breathless as she speaks, “this is beautiful.”

“You’re welcome.”

The valet takes their car away and Ayato once more holds out his hand for her. Hinami takes it easier this time. And he leads the way toward a man standing at a podium.

“Reservation for Kirishima.” Ayato says. The man nods and grabs two menus. He turns and leads the young ‘couple’ toward a back corner. Hinami takes in everything as they walk and she can’t understand how some college student was affording this (and that damn car).

Once seated Hinami just continues to stare at the fairytale looking venue around her. Ayato watches the way she smiles and his heart momentarily ceases, she looked so, so, well, just so, beautiful. There wasn’t a star in the whole wide galaxy that outshine that smile. And for once Ayato is proud of himself, he’s proud he was able to make her smile like this. He did care for her, she was his best friend after all.

“You like it?” Ayato asks her.

“Yes, what do you even do to afford this?” She pries once more. Ayato is not ready to confess anything and so he just shrugs simply.

“Big client equals big money.”

“Client for what exactly?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does.”

“You know what I want to know?” Ayato says now, turning the attention to her. He’s interrupted from finishing when a young waiter asks them for their order. They quickly give it, both too interested in the others secrets. Ayato waits till the waiter has gone before he continues his questioning. “Why you’re in a class with idiots like Naki.”

“Aren’t you guys friends?” She cleverly avoids the question.

“Yeah, he’s still a moron. And you’re way too fucking smart to be in a class like that. So why take it?”

“Research.”

“For?”

“Does it matter?” She says with a slight attitude, if he could hide things so could she. Ayato watches her with those intense eyes of his, those eyes she’s stared into hundreds, thousands of times even. But something a little more dangerous is in them, she can’t tell what it is. But she feels captured by it, like he was a sun and she was gravitating toward him. Which, was an insane idea. Actually feeling something for him? No, it couldn’t be. They were just good friends, really good friends, like super good friends. But she looks at him once more and something in her wonders when they began to shift from being friends, there was an new weight to their relationship now and she wonders if he noticed as well.

She thinks back to Eto claiming they were friends to lovers, and then it seemed dumb. But Hinami can’t deny the look on his face or the way her chest squeezes when he stares at her. It was an irrational and crazy thing, and yet, it was happening.

Well, she was fucked.

Luckily food arrives and luckily both of them were so hungry that all their words were halted so they could devour their food. Hinami keeps glancing at Ayato and she knows he’s glancing at her. Hinami was still eager to find out what he was hiding, and she knew he was no idiot either, he knew she wasn’t in that class for no reason. The tension between them is soft, subtle, but it’s there and they both know it. They both know everything they’ve ever thought about each other was about to whirlwind out of control. But neither of them mention this, they just eat and continue to exchange sneaky glances at one another.

 

\--

 

Hinami sinks into the bathtub she had prepared for herself. The warm water soothing her muscles. She shuts her eyes and begins to think of the date. She still wonders what was happening with her to be seeing Ayato as something other than her best friend. They had grown up together, the cafe they had lived at had aided her mom during harsh times when her father first died. She was so young and so sad and a young boisterous boy had taken her cheeks into his hand squishing her face,

“stop crying, it doesn’t suit you.”

Ayato had been her best friend since then. And she grown so used to having him and his sister as a family. But now, now something in her wants more. She sinks deeper into the water and curses her heart.

 

\-- 

Naki [9:09pm]: how’d the date go?

Ayato [9:12pm]: she’s so fucking cute i want to die.


	7. October 31st

_“Halloween party?”_

_“Yep, it’s at my friend Tatara’s house. He’s a senior and has rich fucking parents who let him just throw wild college parties.” Ayato sounds proud of this._

_“Sounds….great.” Hinami actually knew who Tatara was, Eto had mentioned him before (he’s like so hot!) and, much to her dismay, Hinami almost went on a blind date with him, odd to find herself now fake dating Ayato, who was his friend._

_“Now, what should I be for Halloween? Tatara always has a costume contest.”_

_“We could match costumes? You know for the sake of ‘dating’”_  

_“This is why you get As”_

 

\--

 

Ayato [9:05pm]: can I please head over, you’ve been getting reader for like two fucking hours

Hinami [9:06pm]: I have not, but yes, head over.

Ayato [9:07pm]: I TOLD YOU TO BE READY FOR LIKE 8:30

Ayato [9:07pm]: idk why that was in all caps, i think i left caps lock on

Hinami [9:08pm]: you’re dumb

 

\--

 

Ayato arrives within ten minutes of his text being sent. Hinami wonders if he was actually in a rush or if he actually cared about being on time or, if he really was just eager to get to the party _(“Eto sent a text of a sick ass looking keg stand”)_

But whatever the reason, he was here now. She heard him rummaging her fridge before making his way toward her room. She had taken a long amount of time doing her hair and makeup, Eto had even sent over some Pinterest ideas for her to try out. Which was honestly what took most of her time. She couldn’t decide which set of makeup to use in the end.

So now she was trying to finish her outfit, which ended when she slipped the dress on and realized she couldn’t zip it herself. 

Ayato walks in just as she struggles to reach the zipper. She sees him in the reflection of her mirror. He was dressed in all black, cape adorning his shoulders and his hair slicked back. Hinami feels her face flush at just how different and appealing Ayato looked like that. He looked, well he looked like some Calvin Klein model. And she hates him for drawing that imagine to her mind. 

“Can you give me a hand?” 

“Oh, uh yeah.” Ayato too had been staring. Her back bare to him and he finds something dangerous in the way his shake as he pulls the zipper up her back all the way. Something tempting. Had they been really dating he could’ve ran a finger along her skin, and God did her skin look so soft. 

She turns now and faces him: “how do I look?” The dress was a simple black one, something she could’ve bought anywhere, accompanied with thigh highs, halloween store bat wings and a choker. Ayato’s eyes roam everywhere, not landing on one particular part of her for longer than a second, every inch of her soft frame terribly appetizing to him.

“You look, hot.” He says, which he mentally slaps himself for saying. You can't just call your best friend, fake girlfriend, hot? What kind of moron are you, he thinks to himself.

“Really?” Hinami asks with wide eyes, she had been called hot once and it was a sleazy kind of tone. But Ayato’s shocked tone makes her actually feel confidence setting in. “Good.” 

“Good?” 

“Yeah, don’t you want a hot girlfriend.” She laughs and Ayato thinks of throwing himself into a wall. The problem being she _was_ hot and he knew his friends we’re going to go off on him. He could not handle a drunk Naki talking about hot Hinami was. Mostly because he knew he’d eventually join in and agree, and he was not ready to actually discuss Hinami as a ‘hot girlfriend’. 

He shoves that thought aside. 

“Yeah, you’re right.” 

Hinami knows her cheeks are red, she knows that Ayato’s one word made her heart stir, she also knows that Ayato would just think the red in her cheeks was blush, thankfully. 

“Okay, you ready?”

“Mhm.” Hinami was wary about the party still. But she did tell Ayato she’d go to some of his parties, plus she was curious about what Ayato raved about so much.

 

\--

 

They arrive in a short amount of time, Hinami’s is surprised how close Tatara lives to her. As they pull up to the side of the street to park Hinami can already see the house over filled with people, despite it’s massive size. As they get closer she can see halloween candy scattered across the lawn, toilet paper hanging in trees, and kids throwing up.

Grand, just grand. 

“Are you sure about this?” She asks Ayato. He takes her hand in his, something that was slowly becoming more natural between them, and just keeps walking. 

“As long as you’re with me, nothing will happen.” 

The closer they get to the doors the more people Ayato sees, and the more he waves at them. He says no names and Hinami assumes he doesn’t remember them. Ayato had maybe four close friends, not being too sociable of a boy, but he had a reputation and so people pretended they knew him. 

But did they know him? Hinami wonders how many people actually knew the parts and inner workings of the boy like she did. Maybe none, and that was something she enjoyed. Knowing him like no one else did. It was something she always liked, but now, it seemed like something she treasured. Odd. 

Inside the house more people call out his name. Hinami thinks all is lost with her at parties till she spots some people she actually knew. A girl named Miza in her English class waves her over. Hinami, not wanting to look like a clingy girlfriend, breaks away from Ayato and goes to talk to Miza. 

Ayato keeps walking till he finds the drink table. As he approaches he finds Eto and Tatara. Eto jumps and shouts his name loudly. He can hear the alcohol in her voice, words slurred and heavy. But she eagerly hugs him nonetheless. Ayato thinks she might be the only one allowed to hug him, mostly because he’s too afraid to tell her no. 

“So,” Tatara says now, “which one is your girlfriend.” Tatara sounds mildly interested in the idea of Ayato dating. Tatara had seen Ayato changing girls left and right, so he was usually bored when Ayato mentioned a new one. But this time, he actually seems to care. 

“That cute girl talking to Miza.” Eto points out. Ayato begins pouring himself a drink, with about 70% vodka and 30% soda, this was something he was not eager to approach sober. Eto was jumping like some cheerleader as she waved Hinami over to them. Ayato takes a sip of his drink and gags at the burn of vodka. 

Hinami walks over and stands next to Ayato. Tatara looks her over with some sort of caution in his gaze, Hinami tries to smile but he was really intimidating. Six feet of lean muscle and a glare that probably caused children nightmares. 

“Done staring Tatara?” Ayato almost growls at the taller male. He felt oddly protective of Hinami, especially from his own damn friends. He knew they all were no good and he did not need Hinami to get involved with any of them. He already detests the fact that she was friends with Eto.

And if Ayato thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did. Naki stumbles over, already way beyond what should be legally drunk. His smile wide and his eyes glazed over and red, probably from smoking, as he reeked of pot.

“Ayatooooooo and oh Hinami!” Naki shouts, a little too loud. But everything about Naki was too loud in Ayato’s mind. Hinami smiles at him though and he pulls her into a tight hug, which shocks both her and Ayato. And Tatara and Eto as well.

“W-Welcome Hinami, glad”--hiccups interrupts him--“glad y-you’re here.”

Hinami hugs him back, something the others also didn’t expect. Tatara and Eto and Ayato all shoved Naki’s affection off, they all pushed him away when he got too close, but Hinami? She hugs him back. And Ayato thinks Naki might just cry, right there.

“Me too.” And she’s honest in those words. She was too good of a person for this Ayato thinks.

“H-Hinami you’re so kind.” Naki whimpers as he pulls away. Ayato thinks of punching Naki for that, just because he was so overly touchy sometimes. But Hinami was smiling and Naki was looking at her like she was saint and Ayato lets it slide.

“Awh, Ayato, now you hug her!” Eto seemed giddy and drunk but Ayato watches her. Eto’s favorite thing in the world, behind cookies and cream ice cream, was fucking people over. And he knew that “I’m ready to ruin everything you love” look.

Hinami however, seeing the same look, jumps and hugs Ayato.

“He’s shy about PDA.” She covers quickly, Ayato can feel her breathing against his chest. And when she pulls back he craves the warmth she took with her. But she intertwines her fingers into his and he feels okay again.

Eto gives her a smile, but Hinami notes something is missing from it. She wonders why Eto was so invested in them and if she knew something more. But just as she begins to overthink Eto interrupts her.

“Tatara, we should start looking for a winner for the best costume now.” Eto grabs at the taller male’s sleeve and with one last look at them she tugs him into the crowd and the disappear.

“She’s s-so scary.” Naki shivers. Ayato rolls his eyes and he shoves the other boy calling him names. Naki returns with equal vigor, his intoxication making his name calling lamer than it usually was, which as to say the least, god awful. Hinami watches the two boys throw back names at each other and she starts to laugh. She had been Ayato’s friend for as long as she can remember and yet, in all that time, she had never once hung out with any of his other friends. And Naki, despite being a few screws loose, wasn’t that bad of a guy. She feels guilty for judging him.

She knew about them though and she spoke to them in passing but Ayato always kept her separate from his friends like Naki and Tatara. She always thought it was because Ayato was embarrassed being her friend.

Ayato, having successfully pushed Naki into a group of girls, turns toward Hinami now. The smile on his face is one she makes a note to never forget.

“Want a drink?” He asks her. They were still standing by the drink table after all. Hinami figures a drink can’t be too bad. She’s had drinks before, Eto and her often stayed up late studying with glasses of wine. But party drinks seemed a different world from a glass of wine in Eto’s living room.

Regardless she nods.

“I won’t drown in it vodka, don’t worry.” He assures her as he searches for a plastic cup. Once he locates one he pours a mixture of rootbeer and whipped cream vodka. “Try it.”

Hinami takes the plastic cup from him and sips. It wasn’t bad. She could feel the burn in her throat and she can feel warmth spreading through her system. Ayato watches her expectantly, along with Naki, who had regained his composure after being shoved over.

“Good?”

“Actually, yeah.”

 

\--

 

The party rolls on with an odd sense of ease. Hinami finds herself having fun, she was currently trying to teach Naki how to dance, along with Miza’s help. Ayato stands to the side and watches her. She wasn’t a fantastic dancer, but she was so alive with every motion of her body that he can’t help the smile dawning on his lips. Naki had far less rhythm and mostly just tripped and stumbled a lot. Miza seemed to be the only one who knew what she was doing. 

But Hinami and Miza would help him up and encourage him to dance again. Ayato had never seen Naki look so happy or included in his life, probably because two very pretty girls we’re trying to help him dance.

“Ayato, come join us.” Hinami shouts at him. Ayato shakes his head, there was no way in hell he was dancing with them. He was too far from wasted to be caught dead dancing. But Hinami was a determined girl and she grabs his hand, despite multiple protests about needing five more shots, and drags him toward the crowd of dancers. 

Hinami holds his hand tightly and she starts to sway her hips to the beat. She was giggling and her cheeks were flushed, she was drunk. But Ayato was hopelessly staring at her. He is thankful the alcohol probably distracted her from the way he was looking at her. Because had anyone else seen the look on his face they’d know he was in love, and Hinami had told him they weren’t allowed to fall in love.

He was so horribly screwed, so doomed.

Fuck.

“C’mon, dance.” She pleads. Miza and Naki also shout for Ayato to dance with her. He wants to yell at them to shut up, but he thinks that’s not a good idea. So he takes her hands and lets her lead. She doesn’t dance with a flow really, just sways and spins and whirls, dragging Ayato along with her like some sort of accomplice. And he finds himself enjoying it. He was never that boy that did stupid things, like dancing like drunk idiots, but Hinami was pulling out all sorts of things he didn’t know about himself.

Like how he really fucking enjoyed dancing with her, no matter how off tempo they were.

The music comes to an end though. And Ayato is actually upset with that. But Eto stands on a couch, how she didn’t fall over he would never know, and speaks loudly:

“It’s time to announce the costume contest winner.” She says. Her voice was one of those that carried, despite not even speaking that loud. Tatara stands next to her behind the couch, and Eto was still shorter than him, even on the couch. “We decided to pick a couple costume as our winner, and the lucky couple is Hinami Fueguchi and Ayato Kirishima!”

Hinami looks up at him and he looks down at her, both knowing Eto a little too well knew she was probably using this as some stunt. Which again begs the question, what did she want from them?

“Don’t be shy you two, come on up!”

Ayato takes Hinami’s hand and leads her toward the couch that Eto had decided to make center stage. All eyes are trained on them now. If they thought only a few people knew they were dating before they were in for a surprise now. Nearly half their college campus was here and Eto just announced their relationship status to everyone.

“Give the winning girl a kiss.” Eto prods. Ayato wants to toss her tiny frame through the window. But he doesn’t. He just looks at Hinami who probably didn’t expect this. And Hinami looks back, questions and worries clouding her eyes. This dating thing was her idea after all, but she didn’t expect it to lead to her and Ayato being forced to kiss in front of a party full of people. They had only kissed once so far, and that was in private. They had to make this real, they had to make it believable. Because Hinami is sure Eto wants to use this moment to put a fracture in their ‘relationship’.

Ayato takes one deep breath and thinks: fuck it.

Then he pulls her in for a kiss. And he knows it was going to be believable, because as soon as he began to kiss her he kissed her like he been thinking about all night. Hands holding the small of her back so she is closer to him. He has a childlike eagerness in his lips and Hinami can sense this, and she actually kissed him back. Ayato is falling way harder than he intended, way, way harder.

When he pulls back he his mind begs for more. He just wants to keep kissing those soft lips of hers. But he knows he can’t, that kiss was the most he would probably get. Eto’s smirk was devious and Ayato hates her for it. He didn’t know what her goal was but he knew whatever it was, it was bad news for both of them.

“Congrats you two!” She says. The music turns back on and the party resumes.

“A-Ayato, what was-”

“Let’s just get out of here.” He says grabbing her hand. Thankfully she doesn’t argue with him. She just follows in silence till they reach his car.

Once inside Ayato takes a deep breath and thinks, what the hell do I say to her. In all reality he could just shrug her off, he had resorted to that tactic over and over like a bad habit. Luckily for him Hinami was good at handling social things like this. He finds it odd that she was far better at being sociable and friendly and he was the one who went out more than she did. You’d think he would’ve picked up some social skills, but he hasn’t.

“That was fun actually.” The sleepiness in her voice evident. Ayato figures it was from the alcohol and from her dancing like an idiot for so long. He’s grateful her first words aren’t about the kiss, because his own thoughts were too hectic to reason out in front of her now.

“I’m glad you liked it.” Is all he says back, lame, Ayato, super lame.

The silence returns and Ayato tosses Hinami a cord: “here, you can aux.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Ayato wasn’t mostly trying to distract her, he hopes if she just plays her music, however lame, he won’t have to listen to her talk. He was not ready to be confronted about why he had kissed her like that.

Because he could easily tell her it was all an act, but he can’t bring himself to lie to her. And Ayato was not ready, in any sense of the word, to admit he was feeling things for her.

He was falling too hard and if he didn’t stop himself he’s sure he’d crash land and destroy everything in his way. What did Hinami always call him, oh yeah, a tornado of boy. And she was right.

 

\--

 

Hinami sits in her bed, pajamas on and tea in her lap, and she thinks.

She thinks about the way Ayato danced with her.

She thinks about the smile on Naki and Miza’s face. 

She thinks about Eto’s motivations.

But most importantly she thinks about that kiss. If she had thought she was pulled into before now she was hopelessly trapped in his gravitation.

And even as she falls asleep all she can see is his face and all she can feel is the ghost of his lips lingering on hers.

 

\--

 

Naki [1:00am]: im outside, wanna get baked 

Ayato [1:05am]: its one am…..dude…. 

Naki [1:06am]: im coming up anyway, door better be unlocked. 

Naki, true to his word, knocks loudly at Ayato’s door. Ayato, wanting to stay in bed, shoves himself out from beneath his comforter and goes to open the door. He does not need his neighbors complaining about this.

“Naki, it’s one in the fucking morning.”

“I can’t sleep.” 

Ayato thinks of shutting him down again, but he hasn’t been able to sleep yet either.

“Alright, come in.” Naki follows Ayato to his couch and plops down with all the comfort of this being his own house. Ayato sighs and sits next to him, he puts on the TV and Naki demands they watch cupcake wars. Ayato doesn’t argue, Hinami loved that show and he watched it with her plenty of times.

“So, that kiss was hot.” Naki says after sparking the blunt he had rolled. 

“Shut up.”

“You looked really into it.” Naki jokes with him, Ayato wants to hit him. But he takes the blunt instead and inhales; smoke filling his lungs till it burns, then he blows it out.

“Of course I was.” He growls back, “she’s my girlfriend.”

“No, but you looked into it.”

“I...what the fuck are you even trying to say?”

“I’ve seen you kiss girls before but none the way you kissed her.” Naki says. His attention was mainly on the TV and he talked like this was some common fact, Ayato wants to drown himself. How did an idiot like Naki make a point so dead on like that?

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not dumb all the time, I can tell the difference between a kiss just to get laid and a “I want to marry you” kiss.”

“There’s no difference.” Ayato fires back. His chest ached though and it was not from the smoke in his lungs.

“I don’t know man, I’ve known you for a long time and I’ve never seen you hold someone that tightly before. You didn’t once grope her, and you’re that dude.” Naki points out. Ayato feels he should be offended by that, but he isn’t.

“You’re making no sense.” Ayato says, but the scary thing was: he was making sense. And Ayato was down right terrified that he was this obviously falling in love with her.

A moment passes before Ayato finally speaks.

“I like her.”

“I know.”

“No, I really like her.”

“Ayato,” Naki turns and looks at him, despite being over tired and looking baked Naki actually was giving him a serious look “you’re in love, it’s obvious.”

“Fuck...fuck you.”

  
  



	8. November 13th

“So you’re dating Ayato now?” Kaneki asks with a mouthful of popcorn.

“Uh, yeah I am.” Hinami replies. She takes a handful of his popcorn, which results in Kaneki reminding her she had her own bowl, “I don’t want butter on my popcorn but I want some of your buttered popcorn”

Kaneki just turns back to the movie and lets her steal the popcorn anyway. 

“Why?” He asks after a bit. Hinami hated this question, and lately it’s been harder to answer because her feelings were tangling with the lies she had already told about why. Before it was simple to list of generic reasons to date, but now? 

Now it was hard.

“I like him.” Is all she says. Kaneki seems to get the idea that she didn’t want to expand on the thought, and so he lets it go. She’s thankful he never forced her to talk about things if she didn’t want to. 

“So, you went to a party with him?” Kaneki asks.

“Hm, it was fun.” 

“Be careful.”

“Kaneki, stop acting like I’m twelve.” Hinami huffs. Kaneki just pulls a blanket over and wraps it around them, pulling her close. She rests her head on his shoulder.

“I can’t help it.” He says tilting his head so it rests on hers, “you’re very important to me.”

“Ayato wouldn’t hurt me.”

“I’m not worried about him.”

Hinami finds that odd. Why was he warning her if he trusted Ayato? He must’ve sensed her confusion because he continues to speak:

“I’m worried about his friends, I don’t trust them and I don’t think they’re good people.”

“They’re not bad.”

“Touka has told me stories about his so called friends, Hinami, just please don’t get caught up in that.”

A sigh. 

“Can, can we not talk about this?”

“Okay.” Kaneki says and they return to the movie in silence. Hinami is grateful for Kaneki’s presence, he was her anchor, he always has been. When her mom got cancer four years ago Kaneki had brought her to the hospital every day and he sat there for as long as Hinami wanted to be there. And even when her mom was just resting Kaneki would bring books and read to her and her mom. He never left either of their sides, something he didn’t have to do --

“I wanna be here for both of you.” He had said, “no matter what.”

And when her mom finally had passed Hinami locked herself in her room, she’d spend hours staring into the dark and trying to find a reason to live. No tears or words forming. And Kaneki?

Kaneki had sat in front of her door for two hours a day and just read stories or talked. He did this even with no response ever. And it was comforting, he didn’t force her to talk or force her to come out, he just sat and read and waited. The silence was lonesome and Kaneki broke that, he made the pain just a little easier to handle.

And after two weeks of this solitude she finally let him in her room and he just held her as she cried all the tears that have building up for weeks.

“I like him more than I thought I would.” Hinami breaks the silence. If she could tell anybody about her feelings she could tell Kaneki. He’s silent, letting her talk it all out. “It’s just, I didn’t ever think I’d actually like him this much and it hurts because I don’t think he feels the same way.”

“If he’s dating you, doesn’t that mean he likes you?”

Her heart aches at those words, because she couldn’t admit this was fake, even to Kaneki.

“I just don’t think he likes me like I like him.” 

“Why do you say that?”

“I...he just, I’m not like him.” 

“You certainly aren’t.” 

A whine passes her lips: “you’re not helping!”

“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you.”

“Huh?”

“You’re good for him.”

“What do you mean?”

“Ayato has been through alot, both him and Touka.”

“I know.”

“He needs someone like you to show him stability.” Kaneki says. 

“He doesn’t need me.”

“I think he needs you more than you think he does.”

 

\--

 

“Fuck you Touka! Fuck you so very much! I hate this god forsaken family. Fuck. Did I already say fuck you? Well then fuck off too.” 

“It’s just mario-kart you asshole.” His sister returns. She places the controller down, gently, unlike her brother who had resorted to throwing it across the room.

“You know I hate losing to you, it’s embarrassing.”

“You’re just bitter because you never got better than me.” 

“I’m bitter because you’re a fucking cheater.” Which earns him a smack upside his head:

“Watch your fucking mouth.”

“You literally just swore!”

“I’m older.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Nope.” She says. The doorbell rings interrupting their argument and Ayato’s stomach growls.

“Took the pizza guy long enough.” Ayato grumbles. Touka pushes her brother over and races to the door. Which results in an angry Ayato following right behind her. Touka reaches the door and yanks it open, Ayato crashes into her back seconds later nearly knocking her over.

“Uh...pizza?” The guy at the door says. Touka shoves Ayato with her elbow and the proceeds to pull out the money.   

“Here you go, sorry about the commotion.” She smiles at him and shuts the door. Ayato sticks a tongue out at her and then rips the box from her hand. “You better not fucking take the biggest slice.”

“You bet your sweet ass I am, unless you’re gonna fight me for it.”

“Another round of mario-kart for it.”

“Fine.”

 

\--

 

“So, Hinami.” Touka says taking a bit of the biggest slice, she had inevitably won. Leaving Ayato bitter and with the second biggest slice. “Why?”

“I don’t know, seemed right.” He replies with his mouth full. It was the answer he had given Naki when they first started this dating thing. But now the words seemed to hold more weight to them. And Ayato hates that. He hates that he was actually in love with her. 

He hates that when she laughs his heart sings, he hates that when she holds his hand he never wants to let go, he hates when he dreams of kissing her, he hates himself and he hates emotions.

“You’ve never been interested in her before.” Touka points out. 

“You know what, what about that girl you’re in love with, huh? Yoriko? Isn’t that her name? Talk about that.” Ayato shoves the limelight on her. 

“Unlike you, I know I like her and I’m not gonna freak out over it.”

“I’m not freaking out!”

“Yes, yes you are.” Touka says. She has that serious older sister look on, the one that meant Ayato was about to be scolded or told some life lesson. “Emotions are tricky, and you’re probably just scared of actually getting hurt.”

“What do you mean?”

“Hinami isn’t like the other girls you’ve dated, if you break up it could seriously scorch your friendship and that’s a scary thing.” Ayato mentally adds to the list of things he hates: he hates that she’s right. Except it was so much deeper than Touka knew. Hinami and him weren’t even dating really and he was foolishly in love with her. 

“I...I just like her so much.” He finally caves. Touka pulls him over so his head rests in her lap. She brushes through the tangled bits of his hair and just hums for a bit. Ayato shuts his eyes and lets her continue, it was calming being here with her. He regrets those years he had thrown her to the side.

Ayato had been eight when his dad was killed and Touka had been eleven. And Touka had done her best to take care of him, even when they bounced from foster house to foster house, but he grew resentful when she had found someone else to take care of them, a nice old man who owned a cafe. In fact Hinami’s mom, a family friend for years, had told them about this man;  _ “he helped us out when my husband died” _ . He let the two of them stay there and work. But Ayato hadn’t wanted that and he had fought with Touka. 

He detested the idea of relying on the kindness of someone else. He was angry at the world and angry at her;  _ “you’re giving up your responsibilities of me!” / “I am not! I’m only sixteen what do you want from me!” _

In truth he wanted their family back. But he would never tell her that. He was aware she could do nothing to return them to years prior, and he resented her for it. 

“It hurts doesn’t it.” She says after a while, “liking someone so much and being afraid all at once.”

The truth in those words constricts his heart, he was strangling himself from the inside out.

“It does.”

“You’re not alone, I am your sister after all, we think the same way.” 

“Are you scared of liking Yoriko?”

“Of course.”

“How do you deal with it?” He asks.

“I haven’t figured that out yet.” And she laughs. And for some reason, he laughs too. Touka always had a pretty laugh, he treasured it when they were little because there was so few times she actually laughed after their dad passed. 

Ayato sits back up now and takes another slice of pizza. Touka took one as well. Ayato, deciding he was done talking, grabs the remote and turns the TV back to cable. Then he starts to flip through the channels.

The movie plays for only a little bit before Touka speaks again.

“Next week, let's invite Hinami, Kaneki, and Yoriko over for dinner.”

“You’re fucking kidding me.”

“No, why would I be kidding.”

“Kaneki, the boy you had a thing with, Yoriko, the girl you want, and me and my girlfriend?”

“Yeah, why not. Kaneki and I are still friends. We work together after all.”

“Kaneki hates me.”

“No he doesn’t.” 

“Yoriko hates me?”

“Stop making excuses.”

“Hinami hates Yoriko?” Ayato suggests. Which lands him another shove. And also a pillow tossed at him. 

“You’re wounding a man down.” He protests.

“We’re doing it, I miss Hinami and Kaneki, plus I also want you to meet Yoriko.” She says. Which earns one more whine from Ayato but he gives in. Touka was a headstrong girl and he saw no point in arguing with her. Though he was really not keen on seeing Kaneki and having to hold hands and kiss in front of him. Kaneki has never liked him and he adored Hinami, what a lovely combination. A combination that would certainly land him in some sort of trouble. 

“Okay, but Kaneki really does hate me.” He adds a few minutes later.

“No he doesn’t. He just, well, he doesn’t like you.”

“Hates me.”

“I’m sure he’ll be nice to you for the sake of Hinami, he really does love her.”

“Yeah, great, fun for me.” Ayato grumbles.

 

\--

 

Touka [6:47pm]: dinner at my house next week? you, kaneki, ayato, yoriko and me.

Hinami [6: 50pm]: okay!

“Touka invited us to dinner at her house next week.” Hinami tells Kaneki once she’s hit send on her reply. He was in the kitchen making tea for them.

“Sounds fun.” He responds.

“Please be nice to Ayato.” Hinami adds. She knew Kaneki didn’t approve of him and she knew he’d rather not interact with him. He walks back into the living room bringing two cups with steam swirling at the top. He hands Hinami hers and then sits next to her once more. 

He takes a sip of his tea: “I will, he’s grown a lot. I don’t resent him the way I used to.” 

Hinami thinks back to when Touka had almost dated Kaneki, around the time her mother died, and Ayato had been tortuous to Touka, resulting in a protective and slightly pissed of Kaneki. Which stirred tension in the cafe anytime Ayato actually bothered to show up at home.

But it’s been four years since then.

And he has certainly grown up. 


	9. November 20th

Ayato dreaded any type of formal sit down family dinners. He hated sitting around a table and making small talk. No one cared how the weather was and no one actually cared about “them sports”. Ayato would rather order pizza and sit in front of his TV.

But Touka was very set on this dinner. Arguing with her was out of the picture, a hopeless endeavour. So he was stuck setting up the table while she finished up the food.

Touka’s apartment had a nice little dining room, that she hardly ever used, that had a long wooden table and six assorted chairs she got from varying yard sales; some small, some tall, some had cushions, and some didn’t. Ayato places plates, forks, knives, and cups at each spot.

Ayato, almost done with his chore, hears the door slam open and then the sound of girls yelling. Good, he thinks, just what I needed. He puts the last setting down and walks back toward the kitchen. A young girl dressed in a large sweater and a skirt stands next to Touka. Her hair a soft yellow color tied up in a bun. She was pretty he thinks, must be why Touka had a crush on her.

“Ayato, get over here.” Touka says, having noticed him lurking. With a lengthy sigh he makes his way into the kitchen. “This is Yoriko, Yoriko, my brother Ayato.”

“It’s nice to meet you!” The girl, Yoriko, says extending a hand. Ayato takes it and smiles. Her hand was oddly calloused for such a soft looking girl. “You look so much like your sister, both of you have such good genes I’m jealous!”

“You’re pretty though.” Ayato says. He wasn’t trying to hit on her or anything, he just thought she should know she was pretty as well. And he wasn’t lying, she was beautiful in a gentle way.

“Ah, you’re too kind!”

The door opens again interrupting their conversation. Kaneki and Hinami walk in and Ayato is all to aware of the glare on Kaneki’s face when they make eye contact. He tries for a smile like the one he gave Yoriko, but it was harder to smile at Kaneki. So he probably looked very awkward.

Hinami walks toward him and wraps her arms around him. He takes a slow breath and just hugs her back, thankful for her. Hinami pulls back and stands up on her tip-toes and gives him a kiss on the cheek. Which causes blush to spread across his face like wild fire.

“Okay, everyone take a seat! It’s time to eat.”

 

\--

 

Touka and Yoriko sat next to each other on one side of the table. Ayato and Hinami sat across from them on the other side. And Kaneki sat at the head of the table.

Ayato wanted to die. It was the most awkward dinner he had ever been to. Kaneki kept looking at him as if waiting for him to mess up somehow so he had an excuse to say something to him, and Ayato would be damned if he gave him a reason. Touka was babbling eagerly to Yoriko about childhood stories, some more embarrassing than others.

“One time Ayato found a spider in his room and he cried all night long because of it.” She proudly boasts, which makes Ayato’s ears turn pink and his draw drop.

“I was seven!” He defends. Hinami giggles next to him. He turns to her and tries to silently communicate that she was betraying him by laughing at that, though it’s all in vain.  

“I remember when you were scared of bugs, you made me kill all of them.” She says now, which was not helping his case. Traitor.

“Again, I was like seven.”

“I was only six and I still killed them.” Hinami points out. Which makes Yoriko laugh, which also makes Touka laugh, which also makes Hinami laugh even harder. It was like his own personal Hell.

“Okay, but how about that time you fell face first into a mud puddle because you were so sure you could jump over it.” Ayato fires back at her. “And you even cried for twenty whole minutes.”

“Yeah, cause I fell face first into the ground! That hurt.”

“Okay, but you fell of the couch once because you were convinced you were king of the world.” Hinami counters. Which nearly causes Touka to spit out her food.

“Oh god, I remember that. You had to get stitches.” Ayato remembers that all too well. He hated doctors and he hated needles, and he had to deal with both in the same moment.

“Yeah, I tried to bite the doctor giving them to me.”

“How long have you guys known each other?” Yoriko asks. Touka takes a bite of her food before responding:

“Well, Ayato and I have known Hinami since she was about six. That would make him seven and I was ten at the time. Our parents were good friends.” Touka takes another bite of her food, “and we met Kaneki a few years later when he started working at the place Ayato and I lived at.”

“Yeah, Ayato used to be an asshole.” Kaneki comments calmly from his spot.

“I was not.”

“When you were fourteen you booby trapped the whole upstairs just to mess with me.” Kaneki points out. Ayato can’t help but laugh at that, he had totally forgot. Ayato hated Kaneki when he first started working at the cafe. And he especially hated that Touka befriended him. So he turned the upstairs section of the cafe, where they all lived, into a battlefield. He set up traps all over the place just to mess with Kaneki, and sometimes Touka.

“Okay, it was funny at the time.”

“I tripped almost five times a day, not funny.”

“I was fourteen okay, it was funny.” Ayato argues now, he had to defend his honor. Which actually earns him a smile from Kaneki. Ayato has to look again and make sure he wasn’t delirious, but no, he wasn’t. Kaneki was actually smiling at him.

“So, Ayato.” Kaneki has taken on that “Serious Older Brother” tone. Great, he thinks, time for a lecture from the one person he’d never want to hear one from. Touka one thing, Hinami also one thing, but not Kaneki. “What are you in school for?”

Oh, that is not what Ayato had been mentally preparing for. Why would Kaneki even care what he was studying, unless. Unless Kaneki was sizing him up to see if he was really worth Hinami’s time. Ayato bites his tongue because all his responses were not dinner table appropriate. He takes a moment, breath in and breath out, then he clears his head. He didn’t know why but Kaneki always seemed to have this burning effect on him, he just hated him.

“I’m in school to be a marine biologist.” He finally responds. Ayato watches Kaneki’s eyes soften just a bit and then he’s smiling again. Again? Ayato wants to throw himself out Touka’s window, Kaneki was being _nice_ to _him_? In all the years Ayato had known Kaneki he has never once smiled at him.

“That’s oddly interesting, why though?”

“I like biology and I like fish so?” He shrugs and takes a bite of his food to keep from having to talk more. Ayato for the life of him couldn’t figure out Kaneki, he was an enigma. One minute he’s glaring, then he’s smiling, then he’s questioning Ayato, and then he’s smiling again? Ayato knew there was a reason he never trusted him, Kaneki was a puzzle Ayato never had time to put together. Which leaves him standing over a confusing mess wondering what the picture was.

“He’s actually really smart!” Hinami pipes up now. Ayato turns and gives her a look as if to say: “what the hell are you doing?” Of course he got good grades in the subjects he studied, but that didn’t make him “really smart”.

“Really?” Yoriko asks from her spot next to Touka, “from all the stories Touka’s told she never once mentioned him being smart. She actually made you sound like an idiot.”

“Mhm, he’s in the top ten percent of his class.” Hinami informs them all. Which gets some confused looks from the others.

“Ayato, you never told me you were doing that good?” Touka asks now. He thinks of just evading the question, a skill he was all too good at, but he doesn’t.

“I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.” He shrugs. Which wasn’t true. He knew it was a big deal. When that old man had taken them in he had enrolled them in school. Though to Ayato school was a place he didn’t fit in. He was a boy with too much hatred and anger in his body to even care about the angles of triangles or ionic bonds. And this anger often got him into fights, with anyone really, and then he’d be suspended; forced to just sit at home and _“contemplate what you have done.”_

Touka scolded him for not focusing on school. She’d constantly bring up the fact that he was failing in every subject. Which only made him even angrier —

_“School doesn’t matter! It’s dumb, and so are you for even going.”_

_“You’ll need school if you ever want to do something with you life.”_ —

“It is! You’re in the top of your class, that’s incredible.”

“I, uh I guess.”

Ayato decides he was done talking so he excuses himself to use the bathroom. In truth he didn’t really have to go he just wanted to disappear from the table for as long as it took for their interest in his life to dissipate.

 

\--

 

“Ayato.” Hinami’s voice comes from the other side of the door. “You’ve been in there a while, are you okay?”

Oh. Oh shit. He looks down at his watch and notices he’s been in here for almost twenty minutes. He had only meant to be in here for five minutes tops. He suspects dinner had ended shortly after they realized he wasn’t coming back anytime soon. Damn, Touka was going to be so mad that he ruined dinner.

“I got a headache. Needed to sit in the dark for a bit.” Which wasn’t a lie. He had been sitting in a dark bathroom, just for other reasons.

“Can I come in?”

“Sure. Just don’t turn on the light.”

The door creaks open and Hinami shuffles into the room. She sits herself next to him on the floor. Touka’s bathroom had only one window and a curtain blocked any remaining light. The bathroom was completely dark. He can’t see her but he can feel her shoulders brushing against his arm. He wants to be closer to her, but he doesn’t move.

“You don’t like talking about school do you?”

“Not really. I guess...I guess it’s my biggest regret. You know, that I messed up so badly when I was younger.”

“So why aren’t you proud of being so good at it now?” She asks, the curiosity and worry in her tone swirling together. He tries to think of an answer that didn’t sound dumb. But in all honesty, he always sounded dumb when talking about anything personal. He wasn’t like Hinami who could easily spill her thoughts in a neat fashion. He wishes he could be more like her sometimes.

“I don’t want people to know because I don’t want to disappoint them again. The smarter you are the higher the expectations, so I don’t like people knowing I actually give a fuck about school.”

The silence makes him uneasy. Did he say the wrong thing? Was it actually that stupid? But a hand takes his and he feels her slender fingers intertwine with his. She doesn’t say anything either, just sits there and holds his hand. Ayato tilts his head to rest it on hers and he breathes. Something in the way she holds his hand seems to ease him. All those chaotic thoughts vanish with her there, just sitting there, just holding his hand.

So what was this now? Friendship? Was it more? Was this her just comforting him like she would always do or was this something more? Ayato longs for a world where she loved him the way he loved her. But he was stuck in a world where all he had was feigned relationships and empty hearts.

“You’ll never disappoint me.” She speaks up now.

“I’m sure I will.”

“No, you won’t.” And she gives his hand a squeeze. He feels her body shifting and then her hands are on his shoulders. He can’t see her but he assumes she’s shifted to be resting on her knees so she could face him.

“Hinami?”

“Shush.” She whispers, and oh god she was so close to his ear he wanted to explode. He can feel the warmth from her breath against his cool flesh. “You’re not a disappointment, you never were and you never will be, okay?” She whispers to him, as if these words were only for his hears to ear. She was so sincere in her words that it made all of this even harder.

“I..”

“Say okay.”

“Okay.”

And then she’s hugging him. Her arms wrapped around his neck and her body pressed to his. This was nothing like the show hugs they’ve done before. She’s hugging him for real. It was such an innocent gesture, so why then, why was he yearning so hard? Something in the way she hugged him made his body ache for things he could never have.

“You’re important to me.”

“Hina-”

“More than you’ll ever know.”

He finally moves to hug her back, hungry in his actions. And then he just holds her closer to his body till he can no longer tell who’s heart beat he’s feeling. Though to him, it felt as if their hearts were beating together, matching each other's pace.

But he knows that doesn’t happen. He was just projecting his thoughts and hoping for something that wasn’t there. What a bad habit this was becoming.

 

\--

 

“I’m sorry I ruined dinner.” Ayato says now, his hands elbow deep in dish water.

“How so?”

“I left, didn’t you want a family dinner?”

Touka’s laughing from where she was drying the dishes next to him. Ayato turns and feels his lips forming a pout.

“I’m not angry at all, I get that it was overwhelming for you.”

“Thanks.”

“Oh, you missed a spot.” Touka says sticking her hand into the water.

“What are you-” Before he could finish his sentence she had thrusted a handful of soapy dishwater at him. “Oh. You are so on Touka.”

“Ayato...wait...don’t actually-” But he was already returning her splash with his own.. “You really wanna go punk, you want a repeat of Mario-Kart?” She gives him a very devilish smile and he knows he fucked up. But it was too late to go back now

“Bring it on, loser.” Ayato taunts. “I am the king of water fights.”

“Oh, it’s so on.” Touka smirks at him.

The two siblings turned Touka’s kitchen into a warzone, water and soap flying everywhere. But Touka was laughing loudly and Ayato was following her lead. He knew this was childish thing for them to do, and a mess to clean up, but he doesn’t care. The sink was completely empty of all the water he had filled it up with in a matter of minutes.

“Cease...Cease fire!” He shouts, his stomach was burning from laughing so hard. Touka pokes his nose with some bubbles but she nods. She was soaked and he wants to laugh at how her hair was all over the place, soap trailing through her locks. But he’s sure he looks as equally ridiculous.

“Giving up so soon?”

“I can’t breath!” He argues. She laughs at him and gives his chest a shove before walking toward the bathroom. She returns with two large towels, probably beach towels, but he takes it anyway.

“Horror movie marathon?”

“Yeah, only if you make popcorn.”

“You know how to make it.”

“I’m you’re little brother...please….”

A pout. A smile. A laugh.

“Alright, alright, go get the movie on and I’ll make it.”

“You got it, though that means I get first pick.”

“I’ll suffer through your choice.”

“Good, cause you don’t have a choice.” He says with a shit eating grin. Touka whacks him with part of her towel before going to make the popcorn. Ayato sits himself down on the couch and chooses a movie.

As he starts to get cozy his phone goes off.

Tatara [8:46pm]: meet me tomorrow, usual spot.

Ayato [8:50pm]: okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for the lovely comments!!!
> 
> my tumblr is ayatosama if you wanna talk more or ask questions!


	10. November 24th

Smoke curls from Ayato’s lips and floats through the sky. He watches it disappear than takes another drag of the cigarette in his hand. Ayato wasn’t a smoker, per say, he just socially smoked when situations demanded him to; situations that would make his head heavy with stress. Situations like talking to Tatara.

Tatara was a friend, he supposes. But he was also someone Ayato didn’t want to mess with, he had seen some nasty things when he was around him. And Ayato was not to keen on the idea of being on the other end of those fists.

Tatara sits next to him, his own cigarette in his hand. Ayato didn’t mind hanging out with Tatara like this, just the two sitting in comfortable silence. But he knew that comfortable silence was going to be soon broken by whatever it was that Tatara had called him up here for.

“So, Eto wants you to make another run.” Tatara says after a while. He takes a drag off the cigarette in his hand. Ayato sighs, he had known that’s what this was about but he really had hoped Tatara had some other reason to invite him here.

Regardless: “Who to?”

“Some politician.” Tatara informs him. “It’s a big pay out too, much like that last one that got you that new car.”

“Yeah, the cars nice.” Ayato muses. “Can’t she have someone else do it?”

A laugh.

“Getting soft Ayato?” He questions. Ayato mimics his laugh and then takes a drag of his cigarette.

“No, I just think I’m getting too old to be still doing this. When I was younger it was okay, a rebellious stage. But now I gotta think of my future.” Part of that was true, he really was getting too old to be running all these sales to people. It wasn’t like when he was younger anymore.

Ayato thinks back to when he was fourteen; he was a catastrophic boy, a boy looking for trouble. He was constantly getting into fights, with almost anyone, he didn’t care if they were bigger or smaller than him. The school system, vying for anything to keep him out of trouble, had decided to give Ayato a ‘mentor’, something Ayato had thought was complete idiocy, he didn’t need a mentor.

However Tatara, a senior at the time, turned out to be his mentor. Though in all honesty Tatara did the exact opposite of what he was supposed to be doing. Though Ayato had not cared, he was eager to be destructive. Pranking Kaneki was one thing, fights another, but what Tatara was giving him was something a little more reckless.

“Hey Ayato, want to make some money” He had asked one day, when they were driving in his car. Something Ayato loved, Touka didn’t have a car, not enough money, and so he jumped at any chance he could to go for a ride with Tatara.

“How?”

“It’s simple, I give you packages and you deliver them.”

“And when do I get the money?”

“The person you give the package to will give you money, bring it back to me and you’ll get a cut.”

“What if I want the money to myself?” Ayato had asked. He really wasn’t keen on sharing his money. Tatara had actually laughed at this, like he was surprised by Ayato.

“You have lot to learn kid. However, you do good for our group and maybe one day you’ll get to keep all the money.”

Ayato smirked at the memory. He had so badly wanted to reach the top of what he had thought was some cool gang that he did a lot of really regrettable things. Ayato knows he hurt a lot of people, he knows he was doing things fourteen year old shouldn’t be, and he knows that if he could change it all he would. But he can’t, he did what he had done and he reached the top like he wanted.

Five years later he wonders if it really was worth it.

“Your future? You sure it’s not that girl?” Tatara pries Ayato’s attention back to him.

A drag. A breath.

“Hinami?”

“Yeah, ever since you started dating her you’ve been less involved.”

“I make my runs.”

Eyes glance him over, almost like he was some sort of trapped prey. But he was immune to this look, he had seen it over and over, so he just glares back; unaffected.

“You’ve been slacking in controlling your ranks.” Tatara informs him. Ayato frowns. Fourteen year old him, the naive idiot, had desperately wanted his own lackeys and Tatara had told him if he became an executive he’d have them. And so fourteen year old Ayato clawed his way fervidly to executive status. So now, nineteen year old Ayato had to keep up with the ranks he had, he had to delegate who was delivering what and who would sell on the streets, and who messed up and needed to be dealt with.

It was not what he wanted anymore. He hated the ties he had to this godforsaken organization. He wished so very badly that his younger self never got involved in this.

( _what were you even thinking? / I was thinking I wanted to do dangerous things._ )

“I told you, I don’t have time to be a part of this anymore.”

“You  have time, you don’t have the desire. There’s a difference.”

“Don’t get all fucking analytical on me now, you know what I meant.” Ayato sparks another cigarette, this conversation deeming two necessary.

“I’m just saying, she’s a distraction.”

“Well, I don’t want to be doing this anymore anyway.” He argues back. Tatara sighs, his gaze shifting from Ayato to the horizon before them. The ‘usual spot’ Tatara had mentioned was the rooftop of his father's company building. It was twenty stories tall and you could see for miles and miles. Ayato liked being up here, it was comforting. The wind brushed his skin and carried away his smoke, he sometimes wished he could just be swept up by the wind. Maybe that’s why he liked heights so much.

“You’ll have to take that up with Eto.” Words Ayato didn’t particularly want to here. Of course he’d have to tell her, and of course she’d find someway to make it a living Hell for him, but:

“I know.”

“She’s not gonna like it.”

“What does she like.” Ayato huffs, he meant it as a joke but then he starts to wonder. What _does_ she like? Eto was a master mind of a girl, a wonder of intelligence and cruelty wrapped into one girl. He wonders what she even cares for, if she cared for anything at all.

“She like ice cream and books.” Tatara answers, as serious as ever. Ayato groans inwardly at Tatara’s response. Though, to be fair, Tatara probably knew Eto better than anyone else did. As far as Ayato’s concerned Tatara has been Eto’s friend since before he even knew both of them.

“Yeah, whatever. She’s not gonna like it when I decide to quit running her errands.”

“Probably not.” Tatara agrees, which doesn’t help the worry in his chest--it sits heavy in between his ribs, making it hard to breath. “When are you going to tell her?”

“Not sure yet, I have to figure some things out.”

“You know, Ayato,” Tatara says after a few moments of silence, “when I first got you to be a part of this I never expected you to be where you are now.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just expected some dumbass kid who thought gangs were cool, but you oddly pulled your weight.”

“You just expected me to be some dumb kid?” Ayato laughs now. Though he thinks back to his fourteen year old self, he would doubt him as well. He was nothing more than a punk with a knack for throwing his fists.

“Well, yeah.” Tatara says. A cloud of smoke fills the air in front of Ayato before it’s blown away again. “But you surprised us, you did good.”

“Can you even do good when you’re dealing drugs?” Ayato jokes. Tatara cracks a smile at him, which was a rarity. Ayato smiles to himself and then turns to look at his phone. He’s surprised Hinami hasn’t texted him all day. She usually at least sends something, whether it be a ‘hello’ or a ‘have a good day’.

Ayato [3:45pm]: wanna watch a movie or something tonight?

Hina [3:50pm]: sure, what time?

Ayato [3:52pm]: 6?

Hina [3:54pm]: yeah, okay. sounds good.

“Texting her?” Tatara questions.

“Maybe.”

“You like her.” He muses. Ayato wonders why everyone could see this, everyone but the one person he wanted to know. Is it that obvious that he liked her?

“Your point?”

“Liking people gets you hurt, be careful.” Tatara informs him, as if he didn’t already know how hurt he was going to get. If only Tatara, and everyone else, knew how much worse it was for Ayato. He was in love with someone who probably still thought of him as just a friend.

“I know. You like Eto don’t you?” Ayato asks, the question has been on his mind for years. He had seen the way Tatara watched her, the slight shift in his countenance when she spoke.

“I like her, yes.”

“I mean, like like her.” Ayato can’t believe he had to spell this out for him. In all fairness though, Tatara was a straightforward guy so he would often take what was said literally and not read too much into it.

He laughs. Then he lights another cigarette. Ayato waits in silence as smoke floats through the sky. Tatara hands him the cigarette offering him a drag, which Ayato takes.

“That’s a story for another time.” He finally says. Which makes Ayato want to throw him off the roof, he always had an inkling that Tatara liked her and even when questioned Tatara still evades him.

“Fine, fine.”

“Go see your girlfriend now.” Tatara says. Ayato stands up and realizes his back was stiff from sitting on the concrete for so long. Ayato turns to leave but Tatara calls out his name causing Ayato to turn back just before he got to the door. “She seems to really love you, so watch yourself.”

Ayato just waves him off. But as he makes his way back down to the street he wonders what he meant by that. Firstly, did Tatara really think that Hinami loved him? And secondly, why did he care? Also why was he warning him? So many unanswered questions clog his mind and it makes him dizzy.

He’s sure Eto had something to do with Tatara’s interest in him and his relationship. He didn’t know what she wanted with them or why she was so invested but he knew whatever was brewing in her thoughts could only spell trouble for them.

Days like this he wished he had listened to Touka years ago, he wishes he just stayed home and behaved. Because maybe then he could be happy now, not drowning in all the built up regret he has carried over the years.

Ayato [4:30pm]: can i just come over now?

Hina [4:33pm]: sure

 

\--

 

Hinami hears Ayato entering a few minutes after she had sent that text. He, as usual, checks her fridge for some food. Though he finds nothing, she had yet to go grocery shopping.

“Hina you got no food.”

“I know, we can order out if you want?”

“Please.” He comes into the living room now, the cold from outside turning his nose and ears pink. She giggles to herself because it made him look cute. He makes his way toward the couch and flops down lazily. “I’m starving.”

“You’re always hungry.”

“I’m a growing boy.”

Hinami laughs wildly at this, which causes Ayato to dramatically pretend he was offended. As she slowly stops laughing she realizes that she’s placed her hand on his thigh. Ayato glances down, following her lead, and notices her hand. She makes brief eye contact with him before she retracts her hand and grabs the remote.

“A-Anyway, what movie should we watch?”

“You pick, I really don’t care.” Ayato grabs a blanket and pulls it around the two of them. Before Hinami can question him he speaks: “I, I had a rough day, can you just cuddle like we did when we were kids.”

Hinami’s cheeks dust with a rosy color. But then she thinks back to when either of them had a bad day, they would sit side by side on the couch wrapped in blankets. And they’d just sit and enjoy each other's warmth.

“Okay.” She gives. She moves closer so her shoulders brush his. He is warm, comforting. Hinami thinks of all the times they’ve done this and how different this time feels, like something heavier was hanging over the two of them. She grabs the remote and picks the first decent movie she sees. Ayato doesn’t comment, he just sits in silence next to her.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“No, let’s just, can we just sit here?”

“Sure.”

“Thank you Hinami.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Also, order that pizza.” He adds after a little bit. She gives him a look and he smiles, “did you think I forgot? Nope, my stomach is eating itself alive right now.”

“It is not, but okay.” She grabs her phone and orders a large half cheese half meat lovers. “There.”

“Why only half meat lovers?” Ayato pouts next to her.

“Because I only like cheese, idiot.” Hinami sticks a tongue out at him. Which causes him to echo her action. She giggles at how young he looks sitting there with a soft pink blanket on his shoulders and his tongue out. He’s so effortlessly cute and she’s so effortlessly in love that it makes her whole body ache. She wonders when he managed to steal her heart—no, she gave it to him.

(why him, she asks her heart. why not him, her heart responds.)  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not sure how i feel about this chapter ahah
> 
> anyway, my tumblr is ayatosama if you guys wanna talk


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